Let the Cold In.

some freestyle bloggan

laytonkeaton — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 08:13:05 +0000

I got this pain in my chest, like a tightness. It’s like I got something to say, some awesome miraculous wonderful life changing crowd pleasing rallying battle cry of something to say. I feel change and stagnation all around me at once. Like the cosmic energies all conspiring in both directions for me.
One is pulling me down.
The other up.

I feel like I’m tearing a bit, not physically, though some days it feels as such…
No, I feel like my vitality wanes and stretches far too thin to be visible. I’m scarce. Transparent.

All those wonderful colors I am known to exude, feel washed out and stretched thin. Watery.
Any words I can say, I’m typing now, but they aren’t the words I need to say.
What is it then? That I need to say. What do I, Harry, need..?

What a fucking question.
LIST TIME:
A job.
Money.
Money.
A place of my own.
Fucking money.
To not be socially inept. (I guess that’s counter productive as far as list making goes let me correct that.)
To be socially FUCKING RADIANT AND AWESOME. i.e. I step into a room and suddenly shit is more awesome.
Money.

It seems like that green paper makes the world go round, as I cannot escape the confines of my home without it. Unless I were to suddenly become homeless or go live in a halfway house where I would transit my white ass all across the phoenix metro area to a phone job I will hate. Solution? Holy shit Harry.

Why not just do that?
Because stepping outside my front door makes me feel like I’m dying.
It’s the world really. No, actually, the world is GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL. Let me correct.
It’s PEOPLE. Fucking people man. They are all lying assholes who will rape every shred of confidence, happiness and comfort; all whilst mind fucking and using and being generally very human (selfish) their way through whomever is in their path.

I’m not so cynical to believe this is how every person must be. Sure, others leave, and maybe even die, but there are some really awesome people out there I’m sure.

It’s just doesn’t feel that way when I’m *IN* it. When I’m *IN” it, all I can think of is how I’m going to get out. Escape. Choking. Can’t breathe. Sweating. Dying. Heart racing. Falling to the floor. Can’t think. Going blind. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

^That’s how it feels to just run into another human being for me. Going out for groceries? A fucking nightmare.

I don’t think I need someone or something to prove me wrong or somehow “change” me. I used to think that, there was that one special person or some shit. Naw. I wont romanticize my anxieties and fears.

(I’m smart enough to know what I need to do though.)
HUZZAH NOT EXPECTING THAT WERE YOU?
I need to plunge head fucking first into this world and pillage, mob, thrash, crawl, skip, swim, and charge my way through it HEAD FUCKING ON.

Now I just gotta do it…
I think I’ll stay inside tomorrow.

laytonkeaton — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:40:30 +0000

Click me

102

laytonkeaton — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 00:30:43 +0000

My love is strengthened, though more weak in seeming;
I love not less, though less the show appear;
That love is merchandized, whose rich esteeming,
The owner’s tongue doth publish every where.
Our love was new, and then but in the spring,
When I was wont to greet it with my lays;
As Philomel in summer’s front doth sing,
And stops his pipe in growth of riper days:
Not that the summer is less pleasant now
Than when her mournful hymns did hush the night,
But that wild music burthens every bough,
And sweets grown common lose their dear delight.
Therefore like her, I sometime hold my tongue:
Because I would not dull you with my song.

laytonkeaton — Tue, 18 May 2010 09:51:26 +0000

Fear no longer.

laytonkeaton — Sat, 01 May 2010 08:31:31 +0000

The lost souls of man,
Whisper quietly to the lonely wayfarer.

Listen.
Only now does the journey begin.

Gummo

laytonkeaton — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 14:44:59 +0000

I think he was the only one who made any sense.
Bizzare little film though.

WONDERSHOWZEN

laytonkeaton — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 12:36:47 +0000

So horrible.
But oh so wonderful.

LIFE

laytonkeaton — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 17:40:21 +0000

Living in fear of everything, isn’t living at all.

I didn’t expect to ever really realize this. My life is starting to pick up a weird momentum that I cant really explain.
I don’t know if I like it at all. In fact, sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach.

Going out, meeting new people, seeing and doing new things.
It’s all very overwhelming, and it’s almost all at once.
But no one’s pushing me, or forcing me to do this, I chose for myself.
Strange…

Maybe some dire part of me has had enough with what’s comfortable.
And wants more of what I really love. Excitement. Thrills. All that shit.

I’ve done more in 3 days than I have all year.
Is this a sign of lasting change? or just a passing coincidence?

I feel like a wound up thread, hastily being unraveled over and over till I’m stretched out and frayed.

Beautiful Stop Motion

laytonkeaton — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:00:19 +0000

Creative, a little sad, but visually stunning in every way.
I love finding beauty unexpectedly.
(Watch in full screen.)

:O

laytonkeaton — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 09:45:53 +0000

Was looking through old boxes and cds and random shit, not really sure what I was looking for really. BUT I did find a couple really cool things that took me way back. /nostalgia.

The first, The Killers “Hot Fuss” album, their first album, back from 2004. I used to listen to this whole CD on replay, every single song, over and over. Ffffffucking amazing.

THIS, is the other thing that stood out amongst my various trinkets, MORROWIND (The Elder Scrolls III).
I played the fuck out of this game when I was younger; everything about it made me feel so small, the murky swamps and muddy-brown vistas popped with melancholic wonder. An unbelievable gaming experience at the time for sure, wonderful story and some of the weirdest characters ever. :O

Why is it that I see things like this, and others, from my not-to-distant past, and long so badly to go back to those times? Were they really more simple? Is it just overblown nostalgia? What made those years, just before junior high and beyond, so wonderful to me?

My memory is patchy at best, missing little fine details here and there, clouded in perception maybe. But, I remember my group of friends at the time in junior high, they were all assholes. Most of them horny Mormon boys who were more sexually confused than I was. A couple of them actually nice to me when separated from their “teenage-guy-hive-mind”. I remember Christian Larson, nice kid. He prized his appearance over everything else in the world though, which I found strange for a 12 year old kid. We had a couple moments, sleepovers and weekends mostly, where we really bonded and connected on a deeper level than we did with most of the other kids. I miss that fucker sometimes.

I remember disliking that group of kids so much though, and what they stood for. They were like a naive chapter in my little life, a petty distraction at best. I’d soon find my true companions in the outcast, socially-rejected nerds who seemed so close-knit as a group I rather admired them.

I remember being invited to Abby Davis’ birthday party, for reasons I didn’t know at the time, but was later told that it was because she had a crush on me. And it was there I met some of the coolest people in my little world.
It was there, that day really, that started my friendships with Sarah, Wes, and Ffej.

I felt like such an outsider at first, quietly observing from afar, but they all admired me (from what I could tell). I was new in a fashion, humorous, personable, outgoing and according to some rather charming. I never felt this way, naw, I felt at home with these people. I felt like, I could know them and only them for the rest of my life and be okay with that. They got me. They just did.

So it’s really nice to look at my tiny, sometimes eventful past and see just *how* I got to where I am today.
See from the beginning how it all happened I suppose. I’ve listened to some amazing music in my life, met some wonderful and lovely friends, made enemies and lovers alike, lost my way more often than naught, and struggled to find my way all over again.

My life started in junior high I feel, I met people I still truly care about. I just wish I hadn’t lost most of them along the way. So, I have The Killers, Morrowind, Pokemon, Abby, Sarah, Ffej, and Wes to thank for getting me through all of it. I was just a confused kid, (hell I still am), connecting with other confused kids.

If anyone reading this has made it this far, remember that sometimes all we have are the people around us.

Don’t let them go.
Life’s far too short for it to be lived alone.